


Palpatine's Greatest Hit (List)

by wanderingjedihistorian (RangerJedi67)



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor, crack treated not at all seriously, rated for language
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-23
Updated: 2020-07-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 23:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,599
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25454359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RangerJedi67/pseuds/wanderingjedihistorian
Summary: Toppling a Republic and Building A Sith Empire are not easy tasks. So many people seemed determined to get in his way. Palpatine creates a Hit List.
Comments: 42
Kudos: 258
Collections: Fun/Humour/Crack in a Galaxy Far Far Away





	Palpatine's Greatest Hit (List)

**Author's Note:**

> So this little crack fic was born in the Discord server for Millberry_5's Integration AU.  
> Many thanks to Randomfandomwoman, Steampunkunicorn, Fey, Millberry and Dr. Slappychains for coming up with many of the wonderfully hilarious ideas that show up in this fic and for letting me use them!

Dear Diary,  
Obi-Wan Kenobi needs to _die_. His continued survival is incredibly frustrating. How many times must I specifically request him for a dangerous mission before one of them finally kills him? I’ve been trying to nearly a decade! This is getting ridiculous.

Dear Diary,  
Adding Mace Windu to the hit list. He actually tried to tell me no on something today. Ridiculous. The nerve of some people.

Dear Diary,  
Kenobi really must die. How he survived Geonosis, I will never understand. Must get more creative.

~~Dear Diary,  
If I have to hear the phrase “nobody understands me” one more time the Chosen One will no longer be worth it. ~~

Dear Diary,  
Bail Organa needs to die. He “failed” at his primary negotiation but he managed to convince the Toydarians to let blockade runners get the supplies that were on his ship to Ryloth and then King Katuunko agree to meet with _Yoda_ for further negotiations. This. Is. Unacceptable. He is too competent.

Dear Diary,  
That idiot assassin whatever his name is failed to kill Kenobi for the eighth time. They _both_ on my list now. Even if Kenobi already was. Whatever.

Dear Diary,  
Padme Amidala is on the list. She interfered with my plan involving the Hutts. For Shame!

Dear Diary,  
Ahsoka Tano is on the list for providing Skywalker some thrice damned mental stability, breaking my planned isolation, and for giving Skywalker another attachment that is going to get him killed on the field. But honestly, who looked at _Skywalker_ and decided he was responsible enough for a child? Ridiculous.

~~Dear Diary,  
Skywalker is an idiot. I need better in an apprentice. But he is “The Chosen One”. Damn it. ~~

Dear Diary,  
That new intern looked at me funny. Better add him to the list. That’s not to be tolerated. People might get _ideas._

Dear Diary,  
I want add Bail Organa to the list again, but have yet to find a way to kill him that won’t look too suspicious. I want Organa _gone 5 years ago_ that man is a constant thorn in my side, WTF man. Isn’t he married to a Queen? Doesn’t he have a planet to help run? Why is he so nosy about my business and the Republic? Damn the man.

Dear Diary,  
Hondo Ohnaka's mere existence is enough reason for him to be on the list. Even if he did manage to capture Dooku, Kenobi and Skywalker. I will NOT be impressed by a _pirate._

Dear Diary  
Yoda is added to this list for the 100th time because he talked at me in metaphor. Again. Frustrating old troll. Or is he a frog? Whatever. He needs to die.

~~Dear Diary,  
Skywalker keeps foiling my plans. Do I really need him? Maybe I don’t. ~~

Dear Diary,  
Quinlan Vos is on the list. Because of him, Kenobi survived an encounter with Cad Bane that might actually have managed to kill him. This interference is not acceptable.

Dear Diary,  
Kit Fisto is now on my list, not because he's a Jedi, but because he is too handsome for his own good. And his handsomeness distracted my most recent assassin who was supposed to kill Kenobi. The damn fool stumbled into the path of an oncoming speeder after seeing Fisto. This cannot be allowed.

Dear Diary,  
That assassin of Dooku’s…Venpriss? Ventsmith? Whatever. Her. She is also on the long list of “people who failed to Kill Kenobi”. So clearly, she needs to die.

~~Dear Diary,  
Skywalker is proving to be too competent a General. It is giving him confidence. This isn’t acceptable. ~~

Dear Diary,  
Commander Cody is on the list today because he apparently threatened to drug Kenobi's tea if the man didn’t sleep. So Kenobi _did_ sleep, which led to Kenobi being well rested enough to finish up a campaign in a week with minimum casualties and then go help Plo Koon. I don’t care that Cody is apparently one of the most competent members of the GAR. Kenobi needs to die, and Cody’s continued existence interferes. This is not acceptable.

Dear Diary,  
Grievous has his uses but he is _annoying_. He needs to die the moment he is no longer useful.

Dear Diary,  
Today Mace Windu needs to die because he was against letting me bring a murder beast to Coruscant. He actually tried to use _moral arguments_ against my plan. Bastard.

Dear Diary,  
Adding Dooku to the kill list simply because I just don’t really like him much. That’s all, no other reason. He was a convenient apprentice at the time but he’s so stuffy and formal. It drives me mad. So, note to self, find another short term apprentice until I can take Skywalker. 

Dear Diary,  
Ahsoka Tano is on the list again. Skywalker is trying to be a better Jedi so he can be a better teacher for her. Unacceptable. 

~~Dear Diary,  
Skywalker visited today and All. He. Did. Was. Whine. I need a better future apprentice. ~~

Dear Diary,  
Dooku is trying to outsnob me. That bastard’s cape on yesterday's broadcast was the same color as my robe, but in more expensive fabric. If I had any hesitations before, they are gone! He is most definitely on the hitlist now. He thinks he’s hot shit, doesn’t he? Canceled. Absolutely canceled.

Dear Diary,  
Padme Amidala is on the list again. She actually snuck into Separatist space and tried to get Peace Talks started. Not. Today! 

Dear Diary,  
Grievous has his uses but he is _annoying_. He needs to die. Does it count as actually dying for him at this point? Whatever. He needs to _cease to be_. Especially because of his hideous hacking.

Dear Diary,  
Captain Rex is on the list. He is too much of a positive, supportive influence on Skywalker. Also, he and Kenobi seem to get along. That’s two strikes.

Dear Diary,  
Bail Organa and Obi-Wan Kenobi are apparently genuinely _friends_. Solidifies Organa’s place on The List, certainly. 

Dear Diary,  
Dooku let Kenobi slip through his fingers again. He claims it was merely Kenobi's good luck striking again, but I know the truth. Dooku just cannot bring himself to actually kill his Grandpadawan. This cannot be allowed to continue. Dooku is added to the list. Again. And so is Kenobi... again. x2.

~~Dear Diary,  
Skywalker visited today and all he did was wax poetic about Kenobi’s skills in battle. I. Cannot. ~~

Dear Diary,  
Commander Cody is added to the list for continuing to be Too Competent at keeping Kenobi alive. 

Dear Diary,  
Depa Billaba and that brat she's all but taken as a padawan saw me make a face when I got brainfreeze from ice cream at last night's gala. They raised their eyebrows at me in non-verbal sass. They are now both on the hit list. I will not tolerate such disrespect. Especially not over ice cream.

Dear Diary,  
Ventress failed to kill Kenobi for the 94th time. She is Officially On The List. Good help is _soooo_ hard to find these days. But that’s what I get for letting Dooku sub-contract the apprentice gig.

Dear Diary,  
Yoda is being put on the hit list for the 257th time because he once again refused to answer yes or no. I had asked him if he wanted tea. _Tea_. Do You Want Tea? That was the entire question. Sweet Force. 

Dear Diary,  
The assassins' guild refuses to take on any more hits for Kenobi. So, all of their officers and representatives are now on the list. I might actually have to handle this one myself. How inconvenient. My schedule is far too busy for that.

~~Dear Diary,  
Skywalker is being far too successful against the Separatists. He needs to fail more. If he keeps this up, he’ll be too much of a liability. Might have to kill him. ~~

Dear Diary,  
Commander Cody is on the list again. I’ve heard multiple times now that he keeps retrieving Kenobi’s lightsaber and returning it to him mid-battle. Kenobi might actually _die_ if he doesn’t have his lightsaber. Another strike for the Commander.

Dear Diary,  
Dooku has been added to the list again because somehow even with me handing feeding him information, he somehow still managed to fuck up and lose yet another planet. This cannot continue. He must be eliminated.

Dear Diary,  
Padme Amidala is getting far too popular among the Naboo. They are calling her the best politician they’ve had in years. I do not need to explain any further.

Dear Diary,  
Reminder to find out the name of that bus boy who coughed without covering his mouth. Revolting.

Dear Diary,  
Of all the inconvenient nonsense. That useless former apprentice of mine, Maul, is still alive. He’s no longer of any use and Kenobi supposedly killed him over ten years ago. Why didn’t he stay dead? I don’t have time for this. Hmmm. Perhaps he and Kenobi will do me a favor and kill _each other_. A Sith can hope.

Dear Diary,  
Captain Rex is on the list again. He actually stood up for himself and other clones. We can’t have that. They might go getting _ideas_. 

Dear Diary,  
Bail Organa blocked one of my bills merely by being morally upstanding. On The List. With _prejudice_. He must be eliminated.

~~Dear Diary,  
Skywalker spent an entire visit talking about how he’s worried about his Padawan. As if I care. Both of them are on the list, purely for being irritating. ~~

Dear Diary,  
Today Obi-Wan Kenobi smiled while in my vicinity and every senator within visible eyeline swooned. Will he PLEASE die? HOW MANY PEOPLE CAN FAIL TO KILL HIM???


End file.
